Drumroll, Please!

by Courtney Sirotin on November 12, 2013

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I wrote a blog post yesterday but I didn’t tell you guys anything in it. I didn’t tell you how Jay had to write 6 scripts this weekends and that due to computer issues he lost two of them and had to start over. I didn’t tell you how I had a major craving for mint chocolate chip ice cream and ate way too much of it before bed. I didn’t tell you that I was going to find out the sex of the baby today. I didn’t tell you guys anything because I was too anxious to write, but I wanted to post something anyway.

I didn’t realize I would feel so anxious finding out the gender. I haven’t spent too much time preparing for this because I knew that whatever the sex of this baby is, its meant to be. This baby came into existence under such unique and specific circumstances that it is what it is and it must be very sure of what it needs to be, boy or girl. Knowing that takes all the control out of my hands (not that I had much anyway) and I like that.

But then as the ultrasound approached I let myself feel a lot of things. I typically don’t let myself overly feel things because my feelings can be too intense. I realized I was a little afraid of having another boy because I love Dylan so much. He is so perfect, interesting and all-encompassing that I couldn’t imagine another boy being all that too. I also let myself feel that mourning that comes from knowing we are only having two children and if this one is a boy also, I’ll never have a girl. I’ll never know what kind of female Jay and I could create together or share that particular female bond. When you don’t know the gender of your baby, they both exits for awhile and you start to form fantasies of a future with each of them. Once you find out, you lose one of them, and that is hard.

These feelings and more were swirling around in my head last night, which is why I gave you guys that half-assed post. So today we were in the ultrasound room and the technician measured everything and declared that our baby is doing great and growing on schedule so far. Then she tried really hard to get a shot of the baby’s face so that we could have a picture, but it wasn’t cooperating. She only managed to get two pictures of this baby that we could take home: a foot and a penis.

My immediate reaction was relief for a healthy baby. Then, I had a stirring inside; a deep knowing that the little man inside of me will be more important to me than I could ever articulate right now. I always knew I would be madly in love with my children, but until Dylan was born and I felt surges of love literally pulse through me in the hours after his birth, I never realized I could love him so much and that love has only continued to grow every day, which seems impossible but its true…even when he is a rascal. When I found out this baby is another boy I did have to say goodbye to the little girl I will never have, but I know now, with the perspective that comes from loving Dylan as much as I do, that this child is about to take over my world forever, in a beautiful and terrifying way. He will be completely him and my life could never exist properly without him in it. I already feel the love pulsing.

Team blue!

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

NANCY November 12, 2013 at 3:44 am

That was incredibly well said


DONNA CUSHING November 14, 2013 at 11:38 am

That is a very lucky boy you are carrying to be loved so deeply. You shared your feelings so honestly and so beautifully. We are so blessed! I cannot wait to meet my new grandson and love him up!


ALANA November 15, 2013 at 2:56 am

He is a lucky boy! We can’t wait to love him up too! xoxo Julia is a little “mini you” so she can give you a girl fix when you need it. 🙂


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