It Appears I’ve Been Meditating

by Courtney Sirotin on October 10, 2012

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I never set out to meditate regularly, though it is something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve dabbled in the practice before with quirky CDs checked out of the library designed to guide me into a state of deep relaxation through the clenching and unclenching various muscles. While those CDs helped me relax, they mostly just made me laugh. For the past two years, however, I’ve been a devoted meditator, never missing a single day, and I didn’t even know it. I’ll explain…

I stay with Dylan until he falls asleep. This generally takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour or more. Because he’s easily distracted, Jay and I created a very dark environment in Dylan’s room with blackout curtains and we keep a sound machine playing the sound of rain so that he doesn’t hear the nightly excitement outside his door. The process of getting Dylan to sleep involves me sitting very still and staring straight ahead into the pitch darkness until he drifts off. He needs my presence there but if I move or make a noise it stimulates him so I try to keep very calm and just hold him. What happens, in these dark, quiet moments, is that I slowly relax, let my mind go, and enter a meditative state. Oddly, I’ve found that Dylan doesn’t fully let go and fall asleep until I fully let go too, even though we aren’t overtly communicating these feelings.

The first year of his life I kind of dreaded putting Dylan to bed. I would sit in the darkness itching for him to start drifting off so that I could turn on my iPhone (the light would’ve distracted him). Each night there would be moments where I would be fully connected to the experience and Dylan but also moments where I would want to get on with my night. I’m not sure when it happened, but sometime in the last six months or so this has changed and I’ve really started to enjoy our time in the dark. I’ve stopped fighting the quiet time and started embracing it. I use the time to connect with Dylan, of course, but also to sort through my thoughts and then let them drift away until I feel a still, empty space in my head. Now, when I think about Dylan becoming more independent and eventually not needing my presence to fall asleep, I know that I’ll miss these peaceful moments. Left to my own devices, I doubt I’ll continue to be a nightly meditator.

Having a child has changed me in so many ways and I think all of them are for the best. I don’t always realize it at the time, but the ways that Dylan has stretched me (beyond the literal stretching of child birth) and pushed me from my comfort zones have made me a better, more well-rounded person. I am so grateful to be having this experience!

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In other news, Dylan continues to embrace Halloween…

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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

DONNA October 11, 2012 at 2:13 am

i think the quiet moments keep us sane.
Happy Halloween, Dylan, Courtney and Jay!

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