Keeping It Real

by Courtney Sirotin on February 11, 2012

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How real do I want to be? That’s the question running through my head tonight. This is a defining moment for my blog. I think I’ve mentioned before that I want this to be an optimistic and friendly spot on the web, and if I had titled this blog anything but “I Am A Mess”, I think I could justify skipping tonight’s post and simply resuming tomorrow when things are brighter. But alas, I’ve made a commitment to be honest here so I’m left with no choice but to admit that I had a bad day.

(I had a great post about nutritional yeast planned too!)

I don’t want to be overly dramatic. Life isn’t ending and nothing bad happened, I’m just not in the mood to write about what I planned to write about because my head isn’t in it. No biggie.

You know how I’m a “Stay At Home Mom”? For the most part, I wouldn’t change that for the world. The very best moments of my entire life have occurred in the quiet moments of my days with Dylan and that is not an exaggeration. From the depths of my heart I know that I am currently living the best days of my life and I try to stay present and cherish them. I am endlessly thankful to Jason for working as hard as he does to make this experience possible for me and Dylan.

But.

Some days I get a panicky feeling that I’m missing out on creating a professional identity for myself. Growing up I always pictured myself doing something important for work. I never really had a solid image of what that was, which is probably part of my problem, but I had expectations. At 33 or 34 (I’m not sure how old I am right now. I think 33.), I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.

Today I took Dylan to an indoor playground we hadn’t been to yet. It was deserted because we went in the afternoon when most kids are taking naps (Dylan is a morning napper). I was in there surrounded by all these used toys with no batteries, Dylan was running around trying to have fun and I had this moment where I felt a little pathetic. I also felt bad for Dylan because there weren’t any other kids there for him to play with and he’s always stuck with just me. And then I felt homesick for my family in New Hampshire because when I start to get sad I always think about home. You can see how it snowballed from there. (BTW, I feel like a total jerk for what I just wrote because I know I am so lucky for everything I have, but I’m just being totally honest).

I called Jay and told him how I was feeling and he gave me a pep talk. When we hung up I made the immediate decision to not be selfish and wallow in my negative head space. I looked at Dylan and decided to make our afternoon as fun as possible because he deserves to have a happy mommy.

I just put him to bed and while I was lying with him I thought about things, as I tend to do. I believe in my value and I’m proud of all the things I’ve accomplished in my life so far. I know that I have more to give and that I will have the time to give it. Years from now I will yearn for these days again.

Today was a bad day but most days aren’t, and ultimately, all days are amazing because I am a mother. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I’ve always wanted to be a mother.

Oh, and Jay surprised me with these beautiful flowers tonight! Tulips! My favorite. My heart is filled with love.

Gosh, I’m feeling much better. This blogging thing can be pretty therapeutic…

 

 

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

JORDAN February 12, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I have this exact sentiment ALL THE TIME! I know that my staying home is a cherished, once-in-a-lifetime experience that many would be envious to have and I am so GRATEFUL, but sometimes…I just really miss my professional life. It’s definitely my biggest self-conflict. I have mentioned it in moms groups before, but I feel like an outlier! It’s great to read your post and find a similar sentiment. Thank you!

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COURTNEY February 12, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Moms groups are weird, aren’t they? It’s such a forced friendship kind of environment. Going into a new one you are essentially choosing to spend time with a group of women you know nothing about and the only thing you for sure have in common is that you are raising children. I know I need more friends around here but I find moms groups taxing. I’ve had better luck striking up conversations at the park with women who seem similar to me and planning play dates from there. Well, I’ve only done that once but it turned out well and now Dylan has a weekly play date with a boy about his age and I enjoy spending time with the mom. It is important to me to get Dylan around other kids regularly. Anyway, I’m glad someone else can relate to that panicky feeling. I don’t think we are unusual…at least I hope not!

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BRIDGET February 15, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I love your honesty Court. It makes me feel better to know that you have days like this because I do too – and I don’t even have the wonderful accolade of being a mommy yet!! 🙂

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ANTENA TV May 25, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Deference to post author, some superb entropy. “If you don’t leap, you’ll never know what it’s like to fly.” by Guy Finley.

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